The Lost Plague of Egypt: Erectile Dysfunction

by | Oct 22, 2021

THE QUESTION which will soon be answered is how beautiful Abraham’s wife truly was. Sarah. Only then, and for the remainder of this paper, she was known as Sarai. Perhaps you have never thought to ponder her physical allure, and only imagined the first Hebrew Matriarch as simple, plain and tall. If so, then you would be correct in assuming she was in the very least tall. Just don’t forget to add beautiful to the equation. Had it not been for Sarai, the plague of erectile dysfunction never would have come to Egypt. You have just scoured your Bible and are prepared to tell me that there are only ten plagues listed in Exodus, and that erectile dysfunction isn’t one of them. The book of Jasher actually mentions fifteen plagues, but that’s the topic of another paper entirely, as the plague I’m referring to—the long-lasting plague of limpness across the land—happened much earlier in Torah. But we’ll get to that—Yah willing.

Sarai is described for us in Tales of the Patriarchs. I quoted from the same text in last week’s paper, The Birth of Noah: Man, or Angel? But if you didn’t get to that yet, no worries. There will be no overlap between the two. Anyhow, the book which I am describing is sometimes known as Genesis Apocryphon, or simply 1QapGen, if you prefer cold and sterile titles, as it derives from one of the original Dead Sea scrolls, being discovered in Qumran in 1946 by Bedouin shepherds. I bring its discovery up again for good reason. I’m just not ready to tell you why yet. You will have to read the provided text for yourself and then keep reading through to the end. Here you go.

19 I, Abraham built an alter (at Bethel) and called to Elohim, praising him. I then went to the Holy Mountain and to Hebron where he lived for two years. Because there was famine in the land my family and I traveled to Egypt where grain was plentiful. I went across the branches of the Nile to enter Egypt, the land of the sons of Ham. I had a dream about a cedar tree and a date-palm tree. When people came to cut down the cedar tree, the date-palm tree objected, saying that they were grown from a single root. The cedar tree was spared. I became fearful of the dream and told it to my wife. I explained it as it pertained to us telling Sarah that the men will come for her and try to kill me. I warned Sarah that she must tell everyone that I am her brother so that my life can be spared. She became scared and did not want to go to Zoan for fear of being seen. Five years later, councilors of the Egyptians court and advisors of the Pharaoh of Zoan came, having heard the words of my wife. They brought gifts and requested knowledge from me. I read to them from the Book of the words of Enoch.

Tales of the Patriarchs 19

I know. Nothing about what you just read has anything to do with Sarah’s physique. Not directly, at any rate. It’s there though. Scripture is a treasure and you just have to look high and low. Getting around to Sarah’s corporeal features is a work in progress, because there was a purpose to this little exercise. Take note of what I highlighted. Have you ever read any other extra-Biblical text wherein the dream of the cedar and date-palm tree was discussed? I have. I’m just curious if you’ve read one. I’ll give you a hint as to where a second witness can be found. It’s not in Jasher, nor in Torah. Hmmm. Well, let’s read those two accounts for ourselves, just to be certain.

11 And it came to pass, when he was come near to enter into Mitsrayim, that he said unto El-Sarai his woman, “Behold now, I know that you are a fair woman to look upon: 12 Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Mitsriym shall see you, that they shall say, ‘This is his woman:’ and they will kill me, but they will save you alive. 13 Say, I pray you, you are my sister: that it may be well with me for your sake; and my soul shall live because of you.”

 

Bere’shiyth (Genesis) 12:11-13 [Cepher]

3 And Avram and Sarai were walking at the border of the brook Mitsrayim, and Avram beheld his woman Sarai that she was very beautiful. 4 And Avram said to his woman Sarai, Since Elohiym has created you with such a beautiful countenance, I am afraid of the Mitsriym lest they should slay me and take you away, for the fear of Elohiym is not in these places. 5 Surely then, you shall do this, Say you are my sister to all that they may ask you, in order that it may be well with me, and that we may live and not be put to death.

Yashar (Jasher) 15:3-5 [Cepher]

Nope. We are given the same account as Tales of the Patriarchs, but nothing of the cedar and date-palm tree are mentioned. Based upon these two texts alone, I have read commentators who suggest Abram never looked upon his wife until they were crossing the brook at the border of Egypt. If you’re curious as to how this would have worked, we are repeatedly told in the Testament of Joseph that the eleventh Patriarch never looked up at a woman, so as to lust after her.

You will tell me that it couldn’t very well be lust if Sarai was Abram’s wife, which is most certainly true. Perhaps a better way to look at this is that Abram didn’t realize how beautiful Sarai truly was until now. That does happen often among spouses, you know. My own wife is named Sarah. We’ve been married for nearly twenty years. There are weeks that go by where I think Sarah beautiful, and then suddenly one day I look upon her and remember how beautiful she truly is. This is probably like that, only we know now, based upon Tales of the Patriarchs, that it was a dream which started ringing those bells.

Another fun fact: Abram already had seven wives, fifty daughters, and twelve adopted sons before ever getting around to marrying Sarai. What, don’t believe me? I knew it. You don’t believe me. Well, it says right here:

IN the morning before entering the city, I gathered my family together consisting of my seven wives, my fifty daughters, my twelve adopted sons, and the three hundred and fifty menservants whom Shem had sent and their families, being in all six thousand three hundred and seventy souls.

The Writings of Abraham 30:1

The above scene occurs just outside of the city of Ur, hours before confronting his father Terah. Also, Nimrod. Therefore, he hadn’t even met Sarai yet. Abram tells us that Sarai, along with her brother Lot and father Haran (which would be Abram’s brother, making Sarai his niece), as well as Haran and Abram’s mother, were among the small body who heard his message and believed. About one-hundred souls in all. I bring this up simply so that you can imagine the six thousand four hundred and some seventy souls who accompanied Abram and Sarai into Egypt. That’s a lot of sheep and cattle. Easy to hide Sarai among them, I suppose. According to Tales of the Patriarchs, she was concealed for five years. We all probably know what happens afterwards. Pharaoh takes Sarai as his own wife, thinking her to be Abram’s sister. Here’s how it goes down in Tales of the Patriarchs.

20 The men return to the Pharaoh and describe Sarah’s features: beautiful face, supple hair, lovely eyes, pleasant nose, radiant face. He continued on describing her shapely breasts, perfect hands, and everything down to her long and delicate fingers. The men compared her to and rated her far higher than virgins and birds, and all other women alike. Hearing this, and then seeing Sarah, the pharaoh wanted her and took her for his wife. Sarah saved me by telling the pharaoh that I was her brother and that night I and my nephew Lot cried together.

Tales of the Patriarchs 20a

How beautiful was Sarah again? Radiant face. Shapely breasts. Perfect hands. Long and delicate fingers. She was rated far superior to virgins and birds and all other women alike. You see, I wasn’t making stuff up. And as evidence that Abram did in fact look upon his wife long before crossing a brook into Egypt, we see the following description of her in Writings of Abraham.

50 NOW, among the believers were Lot, the son of Haran, and Haran’s daughters, Milcah and Sarai.

2 Milcah was fair, but Sarai was beautiful above all women.

3 Her face was as that of an angel filled with light, her cheeks as two roses in full bloom, her hair as spun gold which men treasure above all, her eyes as pools of blue reflecting the glory of Elohim’s sky, her nose delicate and lovely, and her countenance truly was fair as the sun.

4 Her breasts like two mountains rising above the plain of Shinar were fair to behold, and her complexion truly like the clouds in purity.

5 Her arms were comely, her hands perfect and delightful to behold, always in the service of those in need and quick to hasten to the service of Yahuah her Elohim.

6 Her palms were lovely, unmarred by her constant labor, her fingers long and slender.

7 Her feet were comely and always set in the path of truth.

8 Her thighs were well-rounded and soft, yet never failing to sustain her in her labor of love in behalf of the servants of Elohim.

9 Truly no maiden was fairer than Sarai, the daughter of Haran, for her beauty was greater than all other women and she excelled them all.

10 But with her beauty was great wisdom and perfect faith in Yahuah and constant service in behalf of the saints, for her hands never cease from blessing the people of Elohim.

11 Wherefore, my brother Nahor took Milcah, the daughter of Haran, to wife, but I Abram, took Sarai at the direction of Yahuah and I found great joy in her.

The Writings of Abraham 50:1-11

Hopefully, you’ll forgive me for highlighting nearly the entire passage, as it is endlessly devoted to describing her beauty. And anyways, when going over the details of her breasts, “like two mountains rising above the plain of Shinar,” Abram says they were “fair to behold,” telling us that he already noticed them long before crossing into Egypt. The defense rests.

But far more importantly, and despite the fact that we are only ever given a summation of how Pharaoh’s men described her, physically speaking, there is a defining difference between the two accounts. Abram described her face as “that of an angel, filled with light”. And no, don’t confuse that with Charlie’s angels. Sexy supermodels do not “hasten to the service of Yahuah.” Nor are their feet “always set in the path of truth.” Their thighs are not a “labor of love in behalf of the servants of Elohim.” And when do their hands “never cease from blessing the people of Elohim”? Exactly.

And please, before your thoughts wander to the public urinal, I expect my reading audience to rise above the restraints of pimply-faced thirteen-year-olds. Whereas Pharaoh and his men lusted merely after her physical features, as any impure animal would, Abram recognized Sarai for her far superior beauty within—and from the very beginning. Sarai was the only sort of princess worth knowing, as she was a servant of Yahuah’s people, more than anything. So, if you’re single and looking to have the hots for a Biblical woman, Abraham has just described for you what to look for. An angel of Yahuah.

A true Hebrew recognizes the difference between the two. Yahuah’s angels’ verses bra modeling angels. One is set-apart while the other is unclean and, well, sexy. Though undoubtedly, while crossing the river into Egypt with Sarai his woman, the make-up wearing kind were dutifully on Abram’s mind.

I went across the branches of the Nile to enter Egypt, the land of the sons of Ham.

Tales of the Patriarch, Col 19

Mm-hmm. The land of Ham. We have been over this already in past papers. Serpent Seed. Sons of Seth or Sons of Elohim? Ham’s Curse. Eliezer. Hagar. It would be good to at least familiarize yourself with the concept presented in each of them. The Bible goes into great detail describing genealogies for a reason. And that is because angels went about attempting to ruin everything. Mixing bloodlines. The sons of Ham, as well as the sons of Nimrod, were none other than the sons of Cain, and Cain, as you will hopefully recall, was the literal and physical son of HaSatan. The angel of death. But even after Havah’s act of adultery, the Watchers procreated with human women.

While crossing into Egypt, Abram was likely afraid that the story of the Watchers would be repeated. He obviously had good reason for those concerns, seeing as how Sarai would become the Matriarch of the promised seed, just as Havah was some centuries earlier. If history repeated itself, then Satan would want to pollute her seed with his own. And also, that the sons of Ham would look upon Sarai precisely as the Watchers had looked upon the daughters of men. The flow of text, when lined up side-by-side, even suggests as much.

14 And it came to pass, that, when Avram was come into Mitsrayim, the Mitsriym beheld the woman that she was very fair. 15 The princes also of Phar’oh saw her, and commended her before Phar’oh: and the woman was taken into Phar’oh’s house.

Bere’shiyth (Genesis) 12:14-15 [Cepher]

6 AND it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them, 2 That the sons of Elohiym saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them women of all which they chose.

Bere’shiyth (Genesis) 6:1-2 [Cepher]

See what I mean? The sin of the Watchers was being repeated with Sarai, but are you surprised? I’m not. We are dealing with the lineage of Messiah, so there are close calls at nearly every possible turn. Then again, Yahuah made her beautiful. More beautiful than any other woman on earth. So, he knew what he was doing.

Again, many commentors insist that Abram only recognized her beauty at the crossroads into Egypt, and therefore tried to hide her from the perverted gaze of the world, but that is not what The Writings of Abraham tells us. He had compared her breasts like two mountains rising above the plain of Shinar from their very first meeting. Contrarily, Abram was warned of what would befall them beforehand, as Yahuah the Most-High Elohim always seemed to let the prophet in on his plans.

We read:

61 BUT on the night before I entered into Egypt, I dreamed a dream.

2 And behold, in my dream I saw a cedar and a palm tree and the branches of the palm tree were wrapped around the cedar.

3 Suddenly, a group of men approached, seeking to cut down the cedar and leave the palm tree to stand alone.

4 But the palm tree cried out saying, “Cut not down the cedar for whosoever seeketh to fell it shall find the curse of God resting upon him.”

5 So the men desisted and the cedar was spared by the act of the palm tree.

The Writings of Abraham 61:1-5

Ta-da. There it is. Your two-note flourish on the trumpet. A second witness to the cedar and palm tree dream has just been given. When were the Qumran caves discovered again? For everyone out there who claims The Writings of Abraham is a fraud, you will want to think long and hard about how a text discovered in Egypt in the early 1800’s could line up so seamlessly alongside a Dead Sea scroll, which would not be discovered for another century.

Now that the authenticity of Abraham has once again be established, though I reckon the haters will continue to hate, let’s turn our attention to the text and see how Pharaoh’s boys described Sarai.

66 WHEN the men departed from me, they went directly into the presence of Pharaoh and when they had eaten with him, he had good wine brought forth.

2 While they drank together, they began to speak unto him of what had transpired, but all they could speak of were the beauties of Sarai.

3 How beautiful is the woman Sarai, they said, who sitteth at Abram’s right hand.

4 How comely is the shape of her face; how delicate and finespun are her tresses.

5 How beautiful her eyes. How delicate is her nose and the whole luster of her countenance.

6 How fair are her breasts and how comely with all is her complexion.

7 How comely, too, are her arms and how perfect her hands.

8 How pleasing are her hands to behold; how lovely her palms, how long and slender her fingers.

9 How comely are her feet. How well­-rounded her thighs.

10 None of the maidens and none of the brides that enter the bride­chamber are fairer than she.

11 Her beauty is greater than all other women and she excels them all.

12 Moreover, along with all this beauty, she hath great wisdom and the workmanship of her hands is fair indeed.

67 WHEN he heard these words, Pharaoh lusted after Sarai and he sent his servants to fetch her to him.

2 Knowing it to be the will of Yahuah, I let her go although mine heart was grieved within me.

3 When Pharaoh saw her, his lust grew within him, for he was overcome by her beauty and he took her into his household as his wife and sent men to slay me that I might not rise up to claim her.

4 But Sarai, seeing these things said unto Pharaoh, He is but my kinsman; wherefore, Pharaoh called back his men and my life was spared.

The Writings of Abraham 66:1-67:4

By now you will likely recognize the difference between Abram’s description of Sarai and Pharaoh’s boys. I probably don’t even need to say it. Her outer features are certainly identified and agreed upon by everyone involved. One party however spoke merely of lust, and it wasn’t Abram. Best to identify the resulting plague with their intent then.

Here’s how Moshe describes the plague.

And Yahuah plagued Phar’oh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai, Avram’s woman.

Bere’shiyth (Genesis) 12:17 [Targum]

Nothing about the plague is described, except that it was great, and that there were multiple plagues, plural. So, more than one then. Perhaps Jubilees can enlighten us further.

And it came to pass when Phar’oh seized Sarai, the woman of Avram that Yahuah plagued Phar’oh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai, Avram’s woman.

Yovheliym (Jubilees) 13:13 [Cepher]

Nope. It simply says “great plagues,” plural, without giving the details. I wonder if Jasher can be of any help.

23 And the king approached to speak to Sarai, and he reached out his hand to touch her, when the angel smote him heavily, and he was terrified and he refrained from reaching to her. 24 And when the king came near to Sarai, the angel smote him to the ground, and acted thus to him the whole night, and the king was terrified. 25 And the angel on that night smote heavily all the servants of the king, and his whole household, on account of Sarai, and there was a great lamentation that night amongst the people of Phar’oh’s house.

Yashar (Jasher) 15:23-25 [Cepher]

Certainly interesting, as we are told an angel, or rather the angel, smote Phar’oh and his household heavily, but it speaks nothing of my claim. Hmmm. What to do in situations such as this? We keep looking. I had started out with a segment from Tales of the Patriarchs, which detailed the dream about the cedar and the palm. Let’s continue reading from precisely where we last left off.

I prayed to Yahuah for justice. I wanted Yahuah to raise up against the pharaoh and protect Sarah. Elohim listened and sent an evil spirit to the entire household that prevented the pharaoh from having sexual relations with Sarah for the two years that they were together. At the end of the two years, the plagues and afflictions were so great that magicians and healers were sent for. They were, of course, ineffective, and they all soon left. Hyrcanos went to me pleading for help against the plague because I had been seen in a dream. I agreed to help only when my wife Sarah is returned to me. The pharaoh heard this and confronted me, himself asking why I lied saying that Sarah was my sister. He agreed to give Sarah back and I exorcised the evil spirit from the house of the pharaoh. The pharaoh swore to me that he had not touched Sarah while they were together and gave her gifts of gold, silver, linen, and purple-dyed clothing. Sarah and I were then led out of Egypt. I, Sarah, Lot, and his wife took our flocks and the gold and silver I had received and traveled together.

Tales of the Patriarchs Col. 19-20

It says right there. The purpose of the plague was to keep pharaoh from having sexual relations with Sarai. We’re getting warmer. Can you name me something else that would keep his sexual urges at bay? It’s not like chlamydia would stop him.

You will claim the texts are in disagreement, as an evil spirit cannot possibly be the angel. Is that so? Certainly, a demon and an angel are two very separate entities, indeed. Well then, consider that multiple plagues are being described. The angel could very well have inflicted one plague while an evil spirit was committed to the task of keeping pharaoh from being able to perform. After all, erectile disfunction doesn’t exactly cry out terror, does it? Or perhaps it does. Depending upon the man, I suppose. You tell me. Before you claim an angel and a demon would not be working together, then recall who set about to commit the greatest plague upon Egypt of all. The angel of death was in service of Yahuah. And who was he again? That’s right. Satan.

Let’s see how The Writings of Abraham describes the scene.

69 AND Elohim hearkened unto my prayer and withheld His ruach from the Egyptians that none of them were able to come at their wives that night.

2 In the morning, consternation reigned throughout the land of Egypt, for no man had been able to lie with his wife all that night.

3 Pharaoh also was greatly perplexed, for although his lust toward Sarai had grown throughout the night, he had been unable to satisfy that lust because of the curse of Elohim which rested upon him.

4 Therefore, he summoned all of his wise men and the physicians of his household, but none could heal him and all had suffered the same affliction.

The Writings of Abraham 69:1-4

That settles it then. Nobody was able to come at their wives, despite perpetrating with lust. We have a phrase for that sort of plague. Erectile dysfunction. Also, Tales of the Patriarchs and The Writings of Abraham adjoin in agreement again. Amazing.

That’s just the thing about the plagues of Egypt. With every single plague that I can find, Yahuah seemed to directly punish the elohim associated with their devotion. “What are you saying, Noel, that the Egyptians worshiped the god of erection?” That’s exactly what I’m saying. The obelisk is a phallus, people. Even the one in Washington. Phallus. Biggest in the world too. If you haven’t recognized the elephant in the room by now, a penis makes up the focal point of the Mysteries of Isis, and the boys down in the capitol building have taken a liking to it. Also, whose seed was Sarai expected to carry? You already know the answer. The line of Messiah. Satan wanted to play the part of Osiris and ruin everything by creating his own little baby Horus. It just goes to show the measure Yah will take to protect his set-apart people.

The most beautiful woman on earth was given to us as our Hebrew Matriarch. And anyone who thought to steal from the Most-High (as is the case with every generation) was given a limp dick. Think I’m being vulgar? I read it in Scripture once.

Now, if only somebody would make the Monument in Washington lifelike.

Noel

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