AT SOME point into my investigation of globe Earth, I happened upon a little-known fact. Julia Child was in the OSS. But until rather recently, nobody knew about it. Spook. We are told her career in the kitchen started over a plate of Sole Meunière at La Couronne in Rouen, some two hours outside of Paris, but that is a lie. As early as 1943, Child had already been sorting through the pantry as a top-secret researcher working directly for General William J. Donovan. Yeah, the CIA guy who created Walt Disney World as it’s very own government entity. Same Donovan.

How in the world did six-foot two Julia Child even manage to work for the head of the OSS? We are told Intel accepted her only after she attempted to enlist in the Women’s Army Corps, and the Navy’s WAVES, but was rejected on the basis that she was found too tall. Sure, let’s go with that. Admittance to the Army or the Navy or—oh, I don’t know—the OSS, probably helps if your granddad was a paper man and your mother is an heiress to his fortune. I checked. Julia Child was born into money. But that’s just misdirection, when in fact she derives from a genealogy of royalty. Julia Child is a blue blood. If you failed to bring your red marker and highlighter, then that’s okay. I brought mine. Let’s take the polar bear plunge right into it—shall we?

Child was directly descended from 6 Mayflower passengers. Impressive. Most impressive. The first three are her 8^th great-grandfathers. John Alden, William Bradford, and Richard Warren. The other three are her 9^th great-grandfathers. William Brewster, Francis Cooke, and Thomas Rogers.

Already, that gives us much to work with, as it is through John Alden that we find her 7^th great-granduncle, Captain John Alden Jr., who would also be the brother of her 7^th great-grandfather, Jonathan Alden. John Alden Jr. wasn’t simply a part of the Salem Witch Trials. Alden was an information man. He scripted it. We know much of what we do of that psyop because of him. As we have already seen with my Ray Bradbury, Black Dahlia, and Lucille Ball papers, being descended from the Salem Intel project wins some serious brownie points.

Consider the following.   John Alden produced 3 American Presidents, making them all descendants of Salem and cousins of Child. John Adams was Alden’s 2^nd great-grandson. John Quincy Adams the 3^rd. Calvin Coolidge the 7^th. Dan Quayle was Vice President and he was the 9^th. Erskine Childres was a President of Ireland, and he was a 7^th great-grandson. Marie-Chantal Miller is still alive. She’s the Crown Princess of Greece, 9^th great-granddaughter.

Other grandchildren of Alden include Richard Warren Sears, Charles Edward Merill, Admiral William Halsey, Raquel Welch, Marilyn Monroe, Orson Welles, Dick Van Dyke, Jodie Foster, Tuesday Weld, Linda Hunt, James and Josh Brolin, Benedict Cumberbatch, David Hyde Pierce, Zac Efron, and Ellen DeGeneres. That list goes on and on, by the way. There are State Governors and discoverers worth mentioning, but I am simply saving you the time. Daniel Burnham, for example, was a 6^th great-grandson and the World’s Columbian Expo Architect. That was clearly a psyop.

And now consider the grandchildren of Mayflower passenger William Bradford. I will only highlight a select number. Deborah Sampson, Noah Webster, General George B. McClellan, George Eastman, William Robbins Barnes, J.P. Morgan Jr., Daniel Burnham (again), Henry Fonda, Jane Fonda, Peter Fonda, Hugh Hefner, Christopher Reeve, Alec Baldwin, John Lithgow, David Hyde Pierce (again), Clint Eastwood, Sally Field, Treat Williams, and Mickey Rourke.

The grandchildren of Mayflower passenger Richared Warren include U.S. Presidents. Ulysses S. Grant, 5^th great-grandson. Franklin D. Roosevelt, 6^th great-grandson. First Ladies Grace Coolidge and Alice Roosevelt are both 7^th great-granddaughters. There’s also numerous State Governors, but I’ll save you the time by naming Sarah Palin as one of them.

Among Warren’s children, we then find: Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Henry David Thoreau, J.A. Folger, Merrill C. Meigs, Wilbur and Orville Wright, Christopher Lloyd, Alan Shepard, Orson Welles (again), Amelia Earhart, Taylor Swift, Richard Gere, Matt Damon, James Spader, David McCullough, John Cena, and Christian singer Mary Chapin Carpenter. There are dozens upon dozens more, but you get the point, as the children of Warren are everywhere, making up much of our perceived reality. Lavina Warren was a dwarf circus performer, and she was his 6^th great-granddaughter. Mark Hopkins, Jr. was the co-founder of Central Pacific R.R. Psyop.

I found 1 US President under Mayflower passenger William Brewster. Zachary Taylor, 4^th great-grandson. Charles Dawes and Nelson Rockefeller were Vice Presidents, both 9^th great-grandsons. Mame Eisenhower was a First Lady, and she was his 8^th great-granddaughter. Here’s a few select more. Allen Dulles, Winthrop Rockefeller, Katharine Hepburn, Bing Crosby, Bette Davis, Glenn Close, Norman Rockwell, Ted Danson, Pete Seeger, Elisabeth Shue, Priscilla and Lisa Marie Presley, Chevy Chase, Linda Hamilton, Ellen DeGeneres (again), Seth MacFarlane, James Taylor, Kate Upton, and last but not least, everybody’s favorite Alaskan Governor: Sarah Palin.

Long before the Mayflower passengers however, we find some of your typical everyday European monarchs in Child’s family. There are the Louis’ and the Charles’ to consider, such as 35^th great-grandfather Louis II of France, and 36^th great-grandfather Charles II of France. Last but certainly not least are Alfred the Great and Charlemagne, king of the Franks—both 38^th great-grandfathers. Julia Child is a Cain.

THERE she is. Agent Child. Look at those legs. Oh boy. Does that look like a pair of woman’s legs to you? You will tell me that I need to think long and hard before answering that. Makes you wonder though—don’t it? The photo comes to us courtesy of cia.gov. We are told Child is relaxing in the OSS women’s quarters in Kandy, Ceylon, now Sri Lanka, via 1944, in-between jaunts of her “top secret” work. What are we reading, Agent Child? Oh, stop being so bashful.

When not showing off those stunning legs in east Asia, we are furthermore told Child was the chief of OSS Registry. I was as curious as you are regarding what that entails. Child’s top-secret clearance made her privy to every single incoming or outgoing cable among all intelligence agencies and special operations units in the area. If you’re going to entrust the deepest secrets of the OSS to one individual, why not hand them over to a cousin of Allen Dulles, the Rockefeller’s, and President Roosevelt? After all, it’s not like Child didn’t have any secrets.

Shark repellant. That’s what they tell us she was working on. If only the crew of the USS Indianapolis had received some of her shark repellent in time, after dropping The Bomb off in Japan, but even that story smells fishy. We read that Child was part of the OSS Emergency Sea Equipment section, tasked with developing a special coating on underwater explosives, which hoped to keep the sharks away while targeting German U-Boats. In order to do so, Child tested 100 different substances into a range of cocktails, “from known poisons, to extracts from rotting shark meat, to organic acids and copper salts.” But according to Child, her shark recipe is a space thing.

Say what again?

During an interview for the book Sisterhood of Spies, Child told author and OSS officer Betty McIntosh, “We designed rescue kits and other agent paraphernalia. I understand the shark repellent we developed is being used today for downed space equipment—strapped around it so the sharks won’t attack when it lands in the ocean.” They’re weather balloons, but neither you nor I can expect the OSS to feed us the sort of facts which might lead us down the straight and narrow.

While in Ceylon, Julia met her husband, another OSS officer named Paul Child. And now you know why Julia was so giddy in bed. That’s the look of a woman in love. Paul was a total stud muffin. After marrying in 1946, Agents Julia and Paul made the Big Move to Washington D.C. Cooking school? No. Just more OSS work. Only then it went by another name. CIA.

We then find the Child’s arriving to post-war Paris sometime in 1948. Hence, the “most exciting meal of my life” story. Probably not OSS related. The latest move came only after the State Department assigned Paul there as an exhibits officer with the United States Information Agency. We are told the Government’s driving force was to counterbalance the bad image Hollywood was casting America in to the rest of the free world. Sure. Let’s go with that.

Serious question. At what point did Paul and Julia Child quit working for the American-UN propaganda machine? You will be tempted to tell me, ‘Most definitely by the time of the PBS cooking show.’ Are we expected to believe that Donovan was so pleased with her fallen space junk cologne slash shark repellant that he exclaimed: “My god, Child! We’ve got to put you on a cooking show!” Actually, come to think of it, it may have very well gone down that way, as PBS is so obviously an Intel project.

Speaking of propaganda, the Wikipedia mentions their move to Paris and then is quick to add: “They had no children.” More misdirection. Does that look like the sort of couple who couldn’t have any children to you? Once again, you will tell me that I need to think long and hard before answering that. Perhaps Paul and Julia Child simply couldn’t have any children—you say. Lots of couples are romantically involved who can’t have any children, and the Child’s are one of them. As it turns out, I have thought about it. Long and hard. And I’m decided. If you’re curious as to what that decision is, I recommend you read my paper on Marilyn Monroe. As always, you are free to make up your own mind.

Still curious? Monroe was a man.

Come to think of it, Monroe is just one man among many. There are several other dragsters which I have thought to mention in Child’s genealogy. See if you can find them. Because really, that is precisely what Intel would do. Drag a man into the kitchen and then lie to an entire generation of housewives about it. Another cousin of Child’s, as you may recall, is MK-Ultra aficionado Hugh Hefner. Who was Playboy’s first centerfold but Monroe? Yet another cousin. That is—have an entire generation of men lust after another man’s tits. Subconscious conditioning. But that’s just the exoteric explanation. There is an esoteric, but you will have to read the Monroe paper for yourself.

BEFORE finishing this paper I committed myself to yet another reconnaissance mission on the Intel-net. It was a success, as I managed to find something. In one back alleyway or another, I stumbled upon an SNL skit from December 1978. We are treated to Julia Child in drag. The man behind the blouse is Dan Akroyd. And why would they dot that? SNL is laying the Truth out there in plane/plain site so that you’ll laugh your ass off while denying it. I encourage you to listen again to Julia Child talk her way through a recipe. She sounds like a Muppet. Or precisely like me—if I were attempting to impersonate a woman.

The answer to why she was rejected from the Women’s Army Corps. and the Navy’s WAVES is because Julia Child was being groomed from the beginning. The recipe was always poison.

Bon appétit.

Noel