JUST as we become aware of a shooting star only when, after inhabiting the aethereal realm for an untold lifetime, it blazes briefly and at the blink of an eye through the nighttime sky, beautifying our lives outside as well as within, so it was with the hip hop poet Robert Matthew Van Winkle. Only the world intimately knew him as Vanilla Ice. He came and he went through a revolving door wearing a sparkly American flag jacket, but not without reshaping the musical landscape in nearly every Nineties boombox, and sometimes even in our parents 4-disc rotating CD player. It can truly be said that I never owned a copy, but come on, To the Extreme sold over six million copies in as little as 14 weeks. Stop, collaborate, and listen. Why the hate, yo…?

Also, Van Winkle was an actor, as the Vanilla Ice story was an obvious Intel script from the very get-go. The fabricated narrative was always intended as an American one, for starters. His mostly female audience were expected to drop a beat for the excesses of capitalism and greed, as well as an industry brimming with fake musicians who sell their soul as well as their chatterbox for dolls, cereal boxes, and Saturday morning cartoons. I have yet to meet a woman who has confessed to owning a dress-up Ice doll, but they arrived in many varieties, and indeed they did sell. He straight up told us his purpose in his hastily written ‘autobiography’:

“Robby Van Winkle and Vanilla Ice are the American dream come true.” —Vanilla Ice, Ice by Ice

So far as my knowledge goes, I am the first to make the claim, that the rise and fall of the Ice Man was an Intel movie, which is surprising. No, it is quite shocking. How is it that people still think the man from Miami (or was it Dallas) was in any way legitimate? Have you taken the time to watch his interviews lately now that you’re woke and also a grown-up? Serious question. I suggest you do. Every single interview over a stunningly short six-to-nine-month period plays the same. Van Winkle looks and talks like an agent. Well, maybe he doesn’t walk or bust a move like an agent. Respect. Or as Ice put it: “My main thing is music; it’s what I do.” Clearly, the white boy had talent.

You can read my full report below. 

PDF [UPDATE]: The Ice Man Cometh: Vanilla Ice Was a Hoax

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