TO SAY, “KANSAS IS AS FLAT AS A PANCAKE,” would be to speak an inaccuracy, for Kansas, you see, is flatter than a pancake. Actually, according to the meticulous research and findings of Dr. Dobson and Campbell, it’s only the ninth flattest state in the continental United States. Minnesota is flatter, as is Louisiana; Illinois too. Even Texas is flatter. And yet the flattest of these, surrounded on most sides by the surface of water, is the state of Florida. Furthermore, the continental United States is approximately 2,800 miles across. If the Earth were a globe, the US would have a terrain with a bulge extending approximately 1,306,666 feet (or 247 miles) above sea level, and yet there is none stretching higher than 2.8 miles. Conclusively, the United States of America is also flatter, far flatter, where a pancake is concerned.

Dobson and Campbell’s conclusions, published in The Geographical Review, have never been refuted or challenged, for to do that would be to further expose the false religion of Scientism, you see. Bad news for globe lovers and flapjacks everywhere, according to Dobson and Campbell, the entire world follows the trend of America in that it too is significantly flatter than a pancake.

A God-fearing man or woman should find no discouragement in these findings; for they not only derive from true science—which the uncorrupted Christian claims to adhere to—they affirm the Testimony of our Lord, who once approached Job in a howling whirlwind, commanding that he, “Gird up now thy loins like a man,” and then promptly demanding that he answer if he knew, “Hast thou perceived the breadth of the Earth?”

“1 Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said, 2 Who is this that darkeneth counsel by words without knowledge? 3 Gird up now thy loins like a man; for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me. 4 Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding. 5 Who hath laid the measures thereof, if thou knowest? or who hath stretched the line upon it? 6 Whereupon are the foundations thereof fastened? or who laid the corner stone thereof; 7 When the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy? 8 Or who shut up the sea with doors, when it brake forth, as if it had issued out of the womb? 9 When I made the cloud the garment thereof, and thick darkness a swaddlingband for it, 10 And brake up for it my decreed place, and set bars and doors, 11 And said, Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further: and here shall thy proud waves be stayed? 12 Hast thou commanded the morning since thy days; and caused the dayspring to know his place; 13 That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be shaken out of it?” Job 38: 1-13

Supposing my reader has experienced an actual tornado, he or she should immediately be hounded with terror at the very thought of God Almighty arriving to their tea party dressed as one. I once was given so little warning of a tornado, hearing no sirens announcing its arrival, and with limited options available outside, clung tightly to a metal pole which dug into a concrete foundation. My only other action was to fight the sharp blade of its wind, which sliced into the softness of my eyes, and hoped to keep them agonizingly open so as to bear witness to what I would only describe as the cracking of many whirling locomotives tumbling over each other in sound as it lifted the water from a lake and violently heaved it upon dry ground. And unlike Job’s timeless encounter, my tornado wasn’t a meeting with God.

The breadth of the Earth and so many other questions which the Lord asked of Job from the raging wind were no doubt rhetorical in nature. So when God demanded that he should answer if he knew, supposing he could muster the breath in his lungs, the response was a clear and resounding, No! Job could not possibly have perceived the breadth of the earth. It was immeasurable by Job or any other man. If this were the case, then why do so-called God-fearing Christians assert that Eratosthenes of Cyrene was able to measure the circumference of the earth with nothing more than a friend and a couple of sticks? False teachers surround us everywhere.

Ask any builder who employs a snap or chalk line for his foundation if he would consider doing so on one that were rounded or globular, for the Lord our master-builder “hath stretched the line upon it.” By the Lord’s own Testimony flatness abounds. It was He who laid the foundations of the earth and its cornerstone accordingly, furthermore fastening those foundations and holding the ends of it.

The proud “man of the faith” who gnashes his teeth and stomps his feet at the slightest proof of the Earth’s flatness declares the Lord a liar by his obnoxious actions, even if he should in his denial politely brush the thought aside. He would have us all believe that God was writing a syrup-laced holiday card in that storm, sticky to the touch with its abstract yet heart-felt poetry, and specifically directed to the cultural comforts of a primitive un-schooled people, who would not have believed a “globe-revelation” in a tornado had He even bothered to tell them about it, rather than us post-enlightenment Gentiles who figured it all out on our own. He would rather convince you of his own damnable falsities, that Eratosthenes sidestepped around God’s challenge easily enough, as textbooks will surely claim, or perhaps just proved the Lord facetious. This would seem far more pleasing to him, as would the explanations of the many commentators whom I’ve read, rather than confess to his own factual wrongness or let such contradictory matters, what Dr. Dobson and Campbell’s findings have fully confirmed and proven, expose his souls condition; that God, being our master-builder as pointedly described, is a dreadful thought to his well-being.

To this we can know for sure. When God spoke to Job, just as He spoke to the Prophets and the scribes and the poets and the Apostles, he did not converse merely with them, but through them he addressed all generations of people, including our own. But in Job’s particular case, God wasn’t merely speaking. He was dropping a challenge.

Can you, dear reader, measure the breadth of the Earth, and if so—if you stubbornly accept the challenge, will you gird up your loins like a man and stand before God Almighty in the roar of a whirlwind—will you stare into the eye of that funnel and claim the contrary? Will you call the Lord a liar?

You’re answer waits.

Maranatha from Nova Scotia!

Noel